The Snake of Narcissism and my Family
This is a vent post. Just be warned.
Have you ever asked yourself, “how do I show Jesus to these people?” or, “how do I show Jesus in this moment?”
If your answer was yes, then good, you are human, honest, and show signs of a reasonably healthy discipleship life. A self-righteous person will assume they’ve done their best and wash their hands of anymore. An immature, or even imposter Christian will assume not every situation and person deserves scrutiny of how can we live Jesus to a person or situation.
I’ll be honest, I am there.
There is actually no good starting point for this post. So I will dive right in.
If you are a spiritually mature person, you can often recognize and sense when Satan is at work. Sadly, it is often at times when no one else will seem to notice or care. Which, for believers, is right where Satan wants you to be, isolated, scorned, doubted, and pressured.
In 2021 my wife and I moved back in with her parents. Their house has been a spiritual and physical pit. No one taking responsibility, no one working on the problems, no one doing anything except speaking, blaming, criticizing, and using the age old excuses….”it isn’t my mess.” When…in fact…it was.
I slept on the floor. Exhausted. Defeated. After driving eighteen hours the day before, emotionally breaking down on the side of the road somewhere in Montana, I finally found a couple hours to sleep. What has always clung to me is when my mother-in-law quietly came into the room and covered me with a quilt.
The next day, I woke up, having failed at life and continueing in my struggles and yet I’ve never been one to sit and soak in the mess. There was barely any drywall up. Exposed wires, the crawl space wasn’t sealed, cabinets for the new kitchen had not been secured, after sitting for six years. No counters. The stove was unplugged and stuffed into the pantry. A hot plate that had not been cleaned was sitting on top. Outside, my wife’s sister had just convinced my in-laws to place a new trailer, $78,000 initially, one bedroom for three kids, a dog, a cat, and themselves, on the front of the driveway. Sewer lines ran on the ground, not sealed, and dripping into the open septic tank. The smell was horrible.
So, I went and bought some plywood that first day and made counter tops after securing the cabinets to the wall. Cabinetry is what I had done when Chelsea and I first got married. I then found a kitchen sink in the junk pile of my father-in-laws and cleaned it up. Oh yeah, they were all doing dishes in the bath tub. I plumbed the sink in.
From then on, my wife and I took out my retirement and hers. I’ve finished a second masters, a doctorate, started church consulting, and more importantly, I’ve been present for the first five years of Roman’s life.
What is there to vent about?
Too much to fit into a blog post. One of the single greatest failures I have seen, and the greatest disappointment is the amount of pushback, criticism, and slander I have received from professed Christians and family over the last five years.
This house has always been a spiritual warzone, a sign post of a greater problem. Come to find out, my wife’s sister, didn’t co-sign for a trailer that was not adequate, my in-laws purchased it. Then, when my wife’s sister and her family moved away, rats moved in. They then could never come out and take care of their trailer. They never paid power or water while they were here for more than 5 years living. I finally sat down with my Mother-in-law and told her we needed to take over paying for the trailer. They were in over their heads. So we did, and yet, that is used against us. People who have been foreclosed, burned through money, ran up credit cards, medical bills, and other costs, somehow we find solace in them saying they would have continue to pay for the fifth-wheel…that was trashed and needed fixing? My wife and I have videos and photos of the horrible living conditions they lazily lived in. Garbage, filth, and stuff. Not to mention they never cared or took ownership for any of it. Yet it was always theirs. When I would not take their trash can on trash day and would take my in-laws, they would call my in-laws and complain. When I helped pack them up to move into their house, they called and complained about how I wasn’t to touch their stuff. When I eventually would say no I am not going to help, loan my tools, or anything else. They would call and complain to my in-laws.
They then moved in to their home two years ago. This month they are getting foreclosed on. They have lived in absolute filth and garbage, having trashed their home. I used my truck and trailer and my friends to haul furniture for them to their new house, because they did not have any.
Then, dump runs. I have hauled, and my mother in law helping me, all their pee ridden mattresses. I have hauled their garbage and junk to the dump. Several times.
My sister in law had her husband come live with me in Mississippi, because he was apparently abusize and they were going to get a divorce.
A couple months later, after her husband and I actually formed a solid friendship and he helped out a lot, they get pregnant.
I cannot tell you how many times I heard her blame her husband for being ‘the problem.’ It has come out that she and her husband have said horrible things about myself, my wife, and my father-in-law to our neighbors, who we have grown close too. They stated that they were always deeply bothered by the treatment of the children, the yelling, the gossip, and the fact that the husband and wife had no boundaries. Bringing garbage down to burn on their fire pit. Hanging hammocks in front of their gate and peering into their yard. We were told by the neighbors that if Chelsea and I left, and my wife’s sister and husband came back, they would move. In fact, they even put up the fence because of them. Our neighbors are solid Christians. They are in the same boat as us, how do we show Jesus.
My wife’s sister and her family will just show up at the house, have reported my father-in-law for abuse of his now deceased father, and in turn my father-in-law’s siblings. But it is never their fault.
I’ve had people tell me from the local Seventh-day Adventist church that my sister in law and her husband will say that I am not working, I’m just living with my in-laws. And yet, they are the ones who have called to ask their cousin to ask their uncle for $280,000 for a house. They’ve more recently called to ask for $30,000, then it was $9,000. They get their money. After getting foreclosed on, having thousands in credit card debt, medical bills and being given a car, after having their other hatch back, which they drove with 3 kids, two akitas, and two adults. They still have it, while getting money to help with things during this government shut down. My wife’s sister has called my mother-in-law and stated she looked up my father-in-laws salary and asked why the house was not done, or more done to help them.
Did I mention that they purchased a house out 45 minutes to an hour away. Waking their kids up at 3 A.M. to drive my brother-in-law to work at the shipyard. Then stay in the car all day, in town, or go to school, only to drive back an hour to be doped up with Benadryl to go to sleep. Did I mention that their Akita’s have bitten my nieces in the face and throat? Yet it is the kids fault. All the kids are in therapy, along with the husband. Yet, the problem the rest of us see, is not in therapy or being confronted.
My father-in-law feeds them breakfast and lunch at his school. Often being the babysitter when they don’t show up on time. Yet he is always accused of being verbally abusive and other horrible things said about them.
My wife’s family are a prime example of why church discipline matters. Because professed Christian’s are doing the devils work. Dishonoring their parents, hindering their children, and lazily putting their own problems and needs before anyone. Not to mention the gossip and slander.
I’ve prayed, and prayed, and prayed. My brother-in-law is actually a solid guy. And yet he is a textbook case of being the victim of some with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. All the signs are there. She has come over, woken my father-in-law and I up to sit and cry that she caught him watching porn. My wife’s sister, then said he drank too much, etc. All I’ve seen is her husband try. Work. Try some more. He’s the one who actually is called by her to discipline, to manage, and to care for the kids. He actually has a real gift and talent and I see he would be good in ministry. I enjoyed when I had him work with me, with my construction company. Yet, after my sister in law kept complaining and asking for more payments from me, via my mother-in-law, I decided to not work with him anymore. In fact, I’ve had to just simply not be around them.
Sadly, no family has come up to the house. I’ve rebuilt the house. My in-laws have paid me in order to write off on taxes, via my non-profit, a considerable amount. I’ve fixed the trailer. I’ve tried to plant. I’ve again, finished two difficult degrees, and yet, I am judged for not holding a 9-5 and ‘providing’ for my family. When in fact, if I were to do that, my in-laws would be broke, their house having fallen apart, literally. I replaced and rebuilt the roof alone, added an addition, replumbed, rewired, and converted the garage. That is just a few. When appraised, the work I’ve done has come out to nearly $240,000 in work. Yet, I am the bad person, for honoring my in-laws. On top of that, building my wife’s coffee business, which we put on hold and have faced setbacks due to the house and the government red tape.
The devil is never that effective against Christians in the darkness. The devil is always the most effective in the smiling whispers of professed believers. Who manipulate, lie, and slither from accountability and responsibility.
I’ve spent countless times watching as Satan’s handiwork goes unnoticed. Look I am not perfect, no one is. Yet there is a difference between those seeking and experiencing growth in Sanctification and those who actively live the opposite of the Sanctified life.
